Review: Wish Upon

I was really looking forward to seeing this. Based on nearly every report I have read, I was expecting this to be a horrendous, unintentionally hysterical movie.

 

So was it horrendous? Yes, it was that and then some.

Was it unintentionally hysterical? Yes, but not so much as to recommend it as a so-bad-that-it’s-good movie.

 

Instead, we have a really really poorly executed, poorly acted, poorly written, and exacerbatingly tedious movie. And yes, there were a large handful of times where I was laughing at how terrible this movie was, but boy were those times ever few and far between.

 

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Meet Claire Shannon (Joey King), an unpopular school girl who gets super bullied at school, and she has a super embarrassing dad who goes dumpster diving.

At the beginning of the movie, it shows Claire’s mother committing suicide while she was a young girl after placing a packaged item (wink wink, nudge nudge) into the garbage. She then goes upstairs, and little girl Claire follows her just in time to watch her mother commit suicide…

…Teenage Claire then the wakes up from a dream-delivered flashback to watch her dad leave to go dumpster diving… and they’re still living in THE SAME HOUSE WHERE CLAIRE WITNESSED HER MOTHER HANG HERSELF. And as if this unrealistic occurrence wasn’t terrible enough, nothing in the movie signals any sort of psychological or emotional damage Claire has received from not only witnessing her mother kill herself while she was young, and still living in the house where the deed took place.

 

And after a boring and unrealistic montage of Claire meeting up with all of her neighbors, obnoxious female friends, and popular school bullies, her dad finds a mystical Chinese box while dumpster diving, and gives it to Claire because Claire takes Chinese lessons…

…And this box is in such an ancient form of Chinese that Claire can only make out the words pivotal for the plot to happen: “Seven wishes”.

 

How convenient.

 

The rest of the Chinese symbols are interpreted by other people right when the plot needs them to be interpreted, and not a single moment sooner. And thank God for that BECAUSE THEN WE WOULDN’T HAVE AN INTERESTING STORY AM I RIGHT GUYS???

 

Every single character in this movie adds nothing to the overall product of the film, and quite frankly, many of them were massive detractors.

 

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Claire’s female friends were oftentimes more obnoxious and unlikable than the stuck-up bullies we were supposed to hate.

 

Every single bully scene with the blonde was forced, unrealistic, and stupid. It was as if the writers and directors have never stepped into a high school and see how bullying warfare usually ends up. Every single scene where Claire faces off with the bully was cringeworthy and overly drummed up.

 

 

Finally, we have the Asian guy who ends up being a sort of underdog love interest. Half of the time, he’s basically a convenient plot point deliverer, and the other half of the time, he was a HILARIOUSLY bad actor. There was literally a scene in the movie where Claire goes too far because of the wish box and he goes, “I HATE YOU AND I WISH I NEVER MET YOU.” And then not even five seconds later, after Claire acknowledges this insult, she then asks him to help her out more, and he goes, “Okay, what do you need me to do?”

It wouldn’t hurt to mention that every single time the guy was supposed to be angry or extremely upset, it looked like he was trying to hold back a smile.

It was as if this movie saw The Circle and thought, “Hmm, what if we combined John Boyega’s character with Ellar Coltrane’s character? That way, we only have to hire one person to be both the dopey childhood love interest and the plot initiator…”

 

There’s a couple other people in Claire’s acquaintance entourage, but the only purpose they serve is to lightly emotionally connect themselves to Claire only to get brutally killed because of Claire wishing on the demon box.

 

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There were numerous moments where I was wondering if there was such thing as police officers in this stupid movie. There were numerous moments in the film where something horrible happens to Claire, or she finds something horrible, and for some reason, cops are NEVER involved. There was even a moment where someone was able to climb up Claire’s balcony, stare at her for a long time while she’s sleeping, and then runs away when Claire woke up. And instead of calling the cops or asking her dad to install a security system… she chases after the guy with a rake… Good Lord, this movie was unbelievably moronic.

 

Almost every single jump scare was unwarranted and unearned, and some of them were pretty doggone funny. There was a moment where Claire was looking for her dog under her home’s foundation, and right before she found him, a bunch of rats fell from the ceiling of the foundation, squealing to their death. And it was freaking hilarious.

There’s a scene where an elevator plummets one of the characters to their death, and the way it was shot and executed made me laugh pretty freaking hard.

Best of all, there’s a moment where a character gets run over by a car, and she ricochets off the car high into the air and lands on another car. I would have been in stitches if I wasn’t trying as hard as I could to not ruin the film for the only other guy watching the movie with me.

 

The most annoying character in the movie was undoubtedly the director’s iPod, which no doubt inspired the soundtrack for the film. Every song was mind-numbingly cretinous and unbearable.

 

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This movie is a dumb taco with shredded dumb and dumb flavored dumb sauce. Nearly every element in the film sabotaged any sort of perks that the movie had going for it, and nearly every plot point was convenient, stupid, and/or boring.

 

The only thing this movie has going for it was that there were a large handful of times where it’s so bad that you’ll start laughing, but the vast majority of incompetencies this movie had were more irritating than unintentionally hilarious. If you want to come into this film expecting a comedy that’s mostly boring, do so. Otherwise, there is absolutely no point in paying money to see it, and I’m giving this movie a

2 out of 10.

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