Misc. Netflix Review: Christian Mingle

At the beginning of the year, as I was walking around Walmart to see if they were selling any good movies for $5, I stumbled upon this one. My eyes widened in disbelief; did they really make a movie that simply serves as an infomercial to a Christian dating website?

I was still relatively new to movie reviewing, and I still had not quite reached a thousand views yet. So I decided that if I did reach that, I would celebrate by buying this movie and reviewing it. However, when I did get to a thousand views, Walmart stopped selling it, and I did not search it out because I did not actually want to see the movie, and frankly no one seemed to hold me accountable to watching it. And then 3300 views and a Netflix subscription later, here it is again, and I decided if I really wanted to be a man of my word, I would watch this movie.

 

Honestly, how bad could it be? Maybe it would be a decent Christian movie that’s a little cheesy and slightly preachy but have a good message to it.

 

Guys… this movie. It is so unbearable… There was a moment where I was cringing so hard that I curled up into a ball of embarrassment on my couch. It is soooooo bad…

 

Every single character in this movie is unlikable. The romance between the two characters never got me to suspend my disbelief. The general message of the movie is shallow and empty. And the “comedy” in this movie is whole-heartedly unbearable.

 

I’m going to do you guys a favor here and explain the entire plot so you don’t have to watch this garbage. Around the half-way point of this movie, my mind was literally begging me to turn this off.

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So the main character is this girl named Gwyneth (who is played by that one chick from Mean Girls, the “fetch” one), and she’s pretty and thirty and she just cannot seem to find a decent guy, oh no. They demonstrate this by having her go out on a date with a guy that looks like he would play a villain in that one “Gotham” tv show, and he indiscreetly starts staring at other girls as she’s speaking. At this point, I’m only three minutes in, and I’m wondering if this movie is going to be this obvious about everything. The answer is yes.

 

There’s then a scene where she’s lamenting to her blank slate friends about how she cannot seem to find a decent guy, and then she’s at home in pajamas (and perfect make-up), eating a cookie, and watching tv, and she flips through the channels and it’s all poorly shot infomercials that are apparently supposed to be a parody of actual ones, and then she sees a commercial for Christian Mingle, roles her eyes and turns it off.

 

The next scenes, she’s walking to her office, and she’s just so depressed that she can’t find a decent guy.

As she’s walking, coworkers say “hi” or “good morning” to her, and she just ignores all of them. Maybe Gwyneth can’t find a decent guy because she’s unlikable and selfish. We then get introduced to her boss, a cartoon who wears a sailor’s hat and salutes his employees in nearly every scene. This boss character never has a real influence to the actual plot of the movie; the only role he plays is a dopey comic relief character, and He. Was. Never. Funny.

Now Gwyneth is some sort of marketing girl who makes concepts for people who want to sell their product. So the guy who she’s trying to make concepts for is another cartoon who wants to sell blue pills that will make people not bald. They might as well have made her sell mood ring necklaces. This guy and his stupid pills also never influence the actual plot and simply serve as additional comic relief. He was also never funny.

 

Basically, the only real way her job affects the plot is that her black female coworker (who was arguably the only somewhat likable person in this entire movie) is a Christian and does commentary on her adventures through Christian Mingle. But couldn’t they just get one of her personality-free friends from before and just make her that person? What would you have lost if you got rid of these useless workplace plot deviances?

 

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So now Gwyneth is home again, and the Christian Mingle commercial is on her TV again. This time, however, for some reason, this inspires her so much that she makes an account. During this, the website asks what church she goes to; she starts thinking really hard, and then she types “gods church”. At this moment, I realized that she’s not a Christian, and the movie confirms this later through dialogue.

 

So the question is, why in the world would someone who’s not Christian go on Christian Mingle to date? Why would she not go to one of the hundreds of dating websites that do not specify a certain religion or prerequisite? She knows these websites exist, right? Does she not have the mental capacity to deduce this through basic mental exercises? Maybe she can’t find a decent guy because she’s selfish AND stupid.

 

I was hoping there would be a single line of dialogue that explains why she did not look at other websites first, but there is no self-awareness to be had in this movie, so just don’t think about it I guess. Maybe the commercial was really that inspirational.

 

So then she’s waiting for her date at a coffee shop, and he gets there late. When he gets there, he’s this weird-looking guy named Paul, and he looks like he stepped out of a Home Depot catalogue… and to make matters worse, he’s insufferably bad at making conversation. I mean, Gwyneth is too, so I blame this mostly on the script, but that’s just it: if the primary focus of this movie is on the romance, then wouldn’t you hope to make a script that makes a believable romance?! There is not one point in the movie where I thought, “man, Gwyneth and Paul sure work well together.” This romance is the most forced thing since Anakin and Padme. The only real thing that they have in common is that they’re both not awful looking.

 

So he offers to buy her a cookie. Yes, a cookie. But she says no because she doesn’t eat cookies or something. So wait, when she was eating a cookie in that earlier scene with all the poorly shot infomercials, was it just a carrot stick disguised as a cookie? There’s only two explanations for this line of dialogue: either the script forgot that she ate a cookie in one of the beginning scenes, or she’s lying. If the latter is the case, maybe Gwyneth can’t find a decent guy because she’s selfish, stupid, AND a liar. So now he buys her coffee and a cookie (because he convinced her by how nice of a guy he is or something), and so she decides to pray over the cookie… and because she isn’t a Christian, her prayer is pretty stupid and cringe-worthy.

 

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There are so many “comedy” scenes in this movie where the punchline is that she’s not a Christian, but she likes this guy, so she just pretends to be one. So she prays unconventionally and she cites bible verses incorrectly, and isn’t this so funny because she’s so bad at being a Christian? All of these scenes were monstrously unfunny and extremely embarrassing.

 

So now Gwyneth is in love because plot. Now they go on their second date, and they’re at a sushi place. Once again, this scene demonstrates their complete lack of chemistry because their dialogue is so forced. Paul invited her to this place despite the fact that he doesn’t like the smell of sushi. So now we get this scene where he tries sushi and he hates it. And I kid you not, the scene where he’s chewing the sushi lasts forty-three seconds. Yes, forty-three seconds. I counted. The movie insinuated that this was supposed to be a funny joke. My interpretation was that this movie is a steaming pile of poop.

On top of all of this, every scene of this movie has basically made Gwyneth and Paul into a square block and a round hole. Every time Gwyneth talks about how much she likes Paul, and every time Paul says how special Gwyneth is, all I can think is, “Whyyyyyyy?” The movie never convinces you that they work well together, so you must watch this movie with your brain turned off if you ever hope to enjoy it.

 

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Later, Paul invites Gwyneth to his church, and holy crap is every person who goes to Paul’s church a terrible person. Paul’s dad is, of course, the pastor of the church, and he’s this chipper, cheesy preacher cartoon. His sole purpose in the movie is to come up with empty, Christian-sounding slogans. Every time he says “Door to door, we will restore”(and he says it way too many times), I want to throw a bible at his head in hopes to either knock him out or inspire him to say something that wasn’t useless.

And Paul’s mother… holy crap is she ever the manipulative, sabotaging bitch. On top of all of this, she wears seven layers of makeup and probably had plastic surgery.

 

Now, every single Christian movie I’ve ever seen, aside from this one, has gone out of their way to make Christian individuals seem like the best human beings. And although Gwyneth constantly makes these comments like “Wow these people just seem so happy and at peace” all the time, if I were to base my decision on whether or not I wanted to pursue Jesus based on this movie alone, I would probably become an atheist. So I can’t help but wonder why the script made these people all so unlikable? It’s like I’m watching “Easy A” all over again except everybody is Amanda Bynes’ straw man character.

 

So Paul’s family invites Gwyneth to a place called “Steak & Cake”. Oh boy. And when they get there, they are literally in some white room that doesn’t look like a restaurant, with slabs of steak on plates with no side dishes, and three-to-six full cakes surrounding them. Does this movie want me to take it seriously? Does it not realize that all of this terrible acting, this awful dialogue, and now this poor production quality takes me out of the movie CONSTANTLY?

So then Paul’s mother, who’s got this inkling that Gwyneth’s a faker, asks Gwyneth to pray over the steaks and the cakes. And holy crap is the sequence that follows ever the cringe-brigade. Then this one girl, who’s got the hots for Paul, shows off by finishing her prayer with, “In the name of Jesus, Amen.” See, this girl is a real Christian because she knows how to end prayers. It’s like this movie thinks that true Christianity is knowing the lingo and knowing how to cite scripture to fit your empty inspirational quotes.

 

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Oh, and also, Paul is going on a mission trip to Mexico tomorrow, and he didn’t tell Gwyneth about it. OOOOOOOH BOY A CONFLICT TRANSITION. I totally didn’t see it coming….

 

So now Gwyneth is mad at Paul or something, and after about 15 minutes of mind-numbing plot deviance taking place at her work, she finally calls Paul back and accepts his apology. And then Paul asks if she can fly down to Mexico to help on the mission trip… and Gwyneth is able to worm her way out of her important project and pay for an expensive flight to Mexico… because nothing says good Christian girl like going to Mexico to hang out with your boyfriend.

 

And at this point this movie is only slightly halfway over… I swear to you, if I wasn’t reviewing this movie, I would have turned it off.

 

So now they’re in Mexico, and even though Mexico’s a really hot place, no one ever sweats, and Paul’s mom and Gwyneth are both wearing perfect makeup while moving stuff around in a hot environment. In fact, there is a scene where Gwyneth is literally waking up in her bed and her makeup is already perfectly put on. I mean, I don’t wear makeup and even I know that if this was real life, girlfriend would have some major skin issues. I guess just don’t think about it.

This Mexico trip literally only serves as additional opportunities for Paul’s mother and girl-who-wants-Paul to embarrass Gwyneth on how much she can’t even Christian.

A little Mexican girl asks a question to Paul’s mom in Spanish, and without even translating it, Paul’s mom asks Gwyneth to answer her question. These Christians man, what awful people. Remember kids, according to this movie, if you go to church and you don’t know the proper lingo, then there’s a good chance that them Christians are going to shame you at every opportunity.

 

And then later, as it turns out, Gwyneth brought a book to Mexico called “Christianity for Dummies”, and Paul’s mom finds it and then rats her out to Paul. And then he breaks up with her… introducing yet another freaking conflict transition.

 

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So now Gwyneth is at her lowest low or something, and she starts going to church, and then finds Jesus, and accepts Jesus into her life. This is shown through a montage of her sitting through sermons and Bible studies we don’t hear and are instead tuned out by some bubble-gum, pop-ish, meaningless worship song.

 

But anyway, now that she realizes who Jesus is, that means that now she knows that He should be the foundation of her life, right? Well, no. Instead, she goes directly to Paul’s church to win him back, only to find out that girl-who-likes-Paul has now weaseled her way into his arms.

So Gwyneth responds by going home and secretly inviting Paul to coffee, where she tries to sabotage Paul’s relationship with girl-who-likes-Paul. She starts accusing Paul of not knowing what he wants, and Paul rightfully gets angry and storms off saying “I don’t think we should talk anymore. I’ll pray for you but nothing else.” Thank God this movie is almost over.

 

Now Gwyneth decides that Jesus should be the focus of her life. She quits her job, and then for some reason goes back to Mexico to teach children English. I don’t know why, and the script doesn’t really give a good reason for why she particularly goes back to Mexico, so just don’t think about it. And then six months later (or I don’t know exactly how much time; my brain was suffocating due to lack of oxygen), Paul comes back… to Mexico… and basically says, “Hey you know that stuff you said about how girl-who-likes-me is bad for me? Well I realized you were right and I want you! Also, isn’t God great?” Sweet Lord in heaven… Screw. You. Movie.

 

So there you have it, it was a massively horrific crap show. I honestly was expecting this to be a dumb movie that may be a little safe, cheesy, and preachy, and instead it was a narrative nightmare with terrible acting, terrible humor, terrible attention-to-detail, terrible everything. Now I’ve given two movies, Dirty Grandpa and Mother’s Day, my lowest grade I could possibly give, and although those movies both pissed me off, they never made me want to leave the theatre so badly like Christian Mingle did. I had to constantly convince myself to get through this awful garbage. This is by far the worst movie I have seen in my entire life. I am sure there are worse movies out there that I have yet to see, but as far as movies that I have seen, there is not one that has bored me more, embarrassed me more, or has made me this angry. Please, for the love of God, do not see this horrible film. If there was a lower grade that I could give this movie, I would consider it, but as there is not one, I’m giving this movie a 1 out of 10.

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