Review: The Darkness

I decided to see this movie today because the only other choices were Neighbors 2 (and I was tired of seeing unfunny comedies) or Angry Birds (and I was tired of seeing unimpressive animated movies). Besides, I haven’t seen a horror movie in a while, and all the horror movies I’ve seen this year haven’t been terrible (even the lame “The Forest” had some entertainment value). And to sweeten the pot, I got to sit in a theatre all by myself so all of the potential scares would have an even bigger impact. How bad could it be?

 

Uggggggghhhhh…

 

This movie was so boring and uninspired. It was like every single horror movie I’ve ever seen done all over again. The only real difference is that Kevin Bacon was in it, and he hasn’t been in a horror movie since the 90’s (well….).

 

At the very beginning of this movie, I found the dialogue unimpressive to say the least. However, my expectations for dialogue in horror movies aren’t that high, so I trecked through assuming that the movie would get better. It did not.

 

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There is nothing interesting about any of these characters. I’ve seen a white middle class family in horror movies before. I’ve seen a dysfunctional husband and wife before. I’ve seen a rebellious, attractive teen girl before. I’ve seen a troubled young kid who inexplicably talks to the object of horror before. It’s like this movie settled for being every other scary movie in the past two decades. Was there nothing new that could be brought to the table at all?

 

And of course, the only reason the scary thing is even able to take place in the movie is because the family cannot get over their dysfunction, their lack of communication, and their stupidity. I guess having characters that are reasonable and likable in a horror film is too much to ask for these days. This is unfortunate because if you cannot create characters we can like or relate to, then when horrible things happen to them, the impact is not strongly felt.

 

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Early on into the movie, The Darkness quickly became a long list of horror cliches. If, for some God forsaken reason, you decide to watch this dumb movie, you should play a drinking game: a shot for every time they use a horror cliche. You will be so drunk that you won’t remember watching the movie.

 

The evil being starts a friendship with the child? Check.

The child gives the ghost a human name? Check (also, the name bears no significance to the story whatsoever).

One of the female characters takes a shower/bath wherein something creepy happens? Check, twice.

One of the characters goes online to research the paranormal activity? Check, twice.

A pet in the movie can sense the danger from the evil being while the humans cannot? Check, twice.

There’s a scene where one of the characters investigates a creepy sound coming from the attic? Check.

Something terrible happens to one of the characters, but it’s soon revealed to be just a dream all along? Check.

At one point, two of the characters discuss the idea of there being a ghost in the house, and the more logically driven character scoffs at the idea and says “there is no such thing as ghosts”? Check.

The vast majority of jump scares were all fake? Check.

The evil being, for some reason, likes to mess with appliances around the house? Check.

The evil being inexplicably opens/closes doors for trite reasons? Check.

The evil has to do with some sort of ancient mysticism? Check.

There is an old woman character who specializes in paranormal activity and aids the family by performing exorcizing rituals around the house? Check.

 

The Darkness was more recycled than Dirty Grandpa was. It was probably the most recycled movie I’ve seen all year.

 

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At one point, when one of the characters does online research about the evil being, they come across articles that say that “autistic children are more susceptible to evil spirits” (which was relevant because the boy in this movie was autistic), as if that wasn’t a horrible thing to insinuate. The only original idea this crap heap could come up with was massively offensive.

 

While this isn’t the worst film I’ve seen all year, this is easily the worst horror film I’ve seen all year. If I wasn’t reviewing this movie, I would have walked out to see if I could get my money back. My time was absolutely wasted, and I’m giving this movie a 2 out of 10.

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3 thoughts on “Review: The Darkness

  1. Kevin Bacon doesn’t do horror well, except the delightfully tongue in cheek (like Tremors). I will point out he was in a terrible horror film in 2000 called Hollow man that somehow got an Oscar Nomination.

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    1. I don’t think Bacon was the problem; his performance was the only one that I sympathized with (albeit, he only had a few of those scenes); I just think he was given bad material to work with.

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