Review: Mother’s Day

So I just saw “Mother’s Day”, not to be confused with the 2010 horror movie with the same name. Quite honestly though, I am almost brazen enough to categorize this fecal splat as horror because this is one of the most unbearable movies I’ve seen this year so far.

 

Now as a humorous gesture, I was thinking about seeing and reviewing this movie on Mother’s Day. However, considering the fact that I have quite an outstanding friendship with my mom, I was uncomfortable risking that friendship. And good God, not only is it worse than I originally anticipated this garbage would be, but I am uncomfortably close to saying that it was worse than that one movie where Robert DeNiro makes frequent masturbation jokes.

 

This movie doesn’t just have one crappy story plot. No, it has five of them because none of the stories go very deep on their own. Every single plot line was cliche, filled with sloppy acting and editing, and loaded with humor that was either painfully unfunny or woefully embarrassing.

 

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Jennifer Aniston plays some mom with an ex-husband who’s now married to a twenty-something-year-old. If, at any point, you forget who her ex-husband is now married to, fear not, because she’s going to make a joke about it in nearly every scene she’s in.

At one point, Aniston’s character gets into a car and gets so stressed out by the fact that her ex-husband is married to a young’un that she has a terribly acted, unconvincing meltdown in her car. This may have been the only scene that I considered laughing at, but it was just so unconvincing and so pointless that I couldn’t even enjoy how terrible Aniston’s acting really was.

There’s this scene where she gets an interview with Julia Roberts’ character, and a misunderstanding happens to where Aniston is late and she misses the interview, so she finds Roberts later with a large amount of fans, and Aniston gets so distraught about her life that she explodes in front of Roberts, her fans, and her aides, and then storms off.

In the real world, this would be career suicide, but in stupid-movie-land, this is top notch behavior for freaking employee of the month because Roberts calls her back and gives her the job. Roberts says that the outburst “got her attention” and showed Aniston’s “sense of humor” or some other trite, bullshit reason, and all I could do was throw mental middle fingers at the screen.

 

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In the next plot line, we have Kate Hudson and her sister, the girl from “Scrubs”. They live across the street from each other and they both try to completely avoid their parents.

 

By the way, their parents live in Texas, live in a trailer, and have American-flag paraphernalia everywhere in their trailer. Can you guess what their defining traits are as characters?! YOU GUESSED IT! They’re racist rednecks who hate them coloreds and them gays! And wouldn’t you know it, Hudson’s married to an Indian and Scrubs-girl is a lesbian. So racist cartoon character A and racist cartoon character B surprise their kids, progressive child A and progressive child B, by visiting them at their houses for mother’s day where shenanigans are bound to happen.

All the while, Scrubs-girl is making a vagina float with her wife to drive around during the mother’s day parade, and Hudson’s Indian doctor husband finds out that she lied about her racist cartoon parents and gets so mad that he leaves the house. Later, you find out that Indian Doctor Husband has an Indian mother who wasn’t so keen on him marrying Hudson, a white girl, either, so much so that he doesn’t tell his mother that they got married until later in life. So not only is Walking-Stereotypical-Indian a gigantic hypocrite, but the movie never even points this out because this movie is devoid of self-awareness.

 

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Then there’s Jason Sudeikis, the lowly widower with his two daughters. This plot-line may very well be the least self-aware of the five plot lines (and trust me, there’s a complete lack of self-awareness to go around in this crap fest).

 

Sudeikis apparently met his now deceased wife in the Marine Corps, where Sudeikis (the movie tells us at least) was some higher up. I have absolutely no idea why the script decided to make this his background because his character parents his girls and coaches a girl’s soccer team like a freaking beta-male. Everyone pushes him around, and all I can think of is “Really? Is this really a sergeant in the Marine Corps?” Call me crazy, but every Marine I’ve ever met never demonstrated such lack of spine like Sudeikis had in this entire film.

 

There’s this scene where Sudeikis is watching videos of his wife doing this cheesy karaoke sing-along with a bunch of marines watching her, and it was so horrendous that I literally shrunk back into my chair in freaking embarrassment. And Lord knows this was going to be a callback for Sudeikis to do some retarded scene where he does karaoke as well.

 

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Then we have Julia Roberts, some business-woman type who sells jewelry on TV to unsuspecting old people. Do you know what they decided to have her sell for Mother’s Day? Guess the dumbest thing you can think of, and you still won’t be able to guess.

 

She’s selling necklaces that change colors literally like a mood ring.

 

This movie is the epitome of dog crap.

 

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And last but not least, we get this random couple who had a baby together. The guy in this movie is a professional standup comedian… and by the time they introduce this guy in the movie, I was already well aware of how unfunny this entire script was, so I braced myself for the most mediocre standup comedy bits imaginable. Sure enough, only bits and pieces of his act constituted as “jokes”, none of which were all that funny. But don’t worry, the entire audience watching him in stupid-movie-land are going to laugh uproariously at the jokes anyway.

Also the girl doesn’t want to marry the guy because she has “abandonment issues”. No, the movie didn’t imply this by the events in the movie. The girl LITERALLY has to say it because the script is incapable of showing. Therefore, they must tell without showing.

 

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And this is the center of what’s wrong with this movie: this garbage heap tries to conjure up all of these cinematic payoffs without properly building anything up. This movie felt the need to explain most of the jokes to you as if they expected everyone watching to be mentally deficient, and almost all of the plot points are explained to you through dialogue without ever demonstrating them through action.

 

Not to mention that this movie constantly makes some of the most obvious dialogue dubs in the world. There was literally a moment where racist cartoon mom said something that did not match with her lips. There’s at least a half dozen moments where a character says or exclaims something when their face isn’t making any sort of movements whatsoever.

 

The child actors were all terrible performers, but this is the first movie where that did not matter to me that much because every single other actor in this movie was just as unconvincing in their performance if not more so.

 

This movie is complete and utter garbage. I hated everything in this entire movie. It is embarrassingly unrealistic, deplorably shortsighted, and exacerbatingly insincere. Everything in Mother’s Day was just so wrong, and I’m giving this movie a 1 out of 10.

 

 

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