Review: Gods of Egypt

Almost every time I’ve seen a movie in theaters in the past three months, Gods of Egypt had been one of the trailers accompanying whatever film I came to see. I’ve seen the trailer almost 20 times, and every time I saw it, I thought “This looks like it’s going to be garbage.”

 

But for some reason, out of all the movies that I have yet to see on my list, I really really wanted to see this one today, and I convinced my little brother, who was not enthusiastic about seeing the movie at first, to come with me. When we finally got out of the movie, we both thoroughly enjoyed our experience, because Gods of Egypt was so unimaginably awful that it was absolutely hilarious.

 

 

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Our lead character was terrible and unconvincing in his role. The only two emotions he was able to portray was snarky and bored. When a character in the story he’s close to dies in his arms, the best phrase I could use to describe his reaction was “slightly bummed”. When he gets out of any dangerous situation, he lets out this terrible, cliche, sarcastic one-liner.

That’s another thing about Gods of Egypt: it is so irredeemably filled with awful one-liners that I lost count of how many times my brother and I groaned while watching this rubbish. And it’s not just our useless protagonist. Every single stupid character in this entire movie feels the need to say something dopey or cheesy whenever a scene is about to end or whenever a fight is over. There is not one line of dialogue that’s inspired in this whole dreadful movie.

The execution of those lines was even worse, and the fact that there is such crappy dialogue delivered so poorly made for some amazingly unintentionally hilarious scenes.

 

However, the funniest thing about the movie was when somebody screamed. There is this one time where our useless protagonist has to run up a flight of crumbling stairs, and as he jumps to the very last part of the obstacle course, he lets out a scream that was hysterical to watch. But by far the greatest scream delivery goes to Super Saiyan Geoffrey Rush. There’s this scene where Geoffrey Rush is on fire, and he’s shooting fire balls at this giant space worm (I shit you not, this is a scene in the movie), and as he’s shooting the fireballs he lets out this really grumpy “GRAAAAAARH!” sound, and it’s funny every time he does it. Boy, do I wish I could have found a still on the internet of Geoffrey Rush making his grumpy, fireball shooting face, but if you want to stomach the movie yourself, I promise you, you will get a kick out of it.

 

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(This is the closest I could get to finding a picture.)

 

The background in almost every scene looks fake and unconvincing. With how much technology has improved movie-making today, some of the animation and scenery was abominably unacceptable.

 

Every plot point in the string of events seems like it was thrown together. Nothing is ever developed or built up. You never like any of these characters, you never feel for any of these characters, and honestly, the movie got more interesting when some of them died. However, in the spirit of horrible movies, you know there’s going to be some magic force that brings them back to life.

 

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Gerard Butler is unfortunately the worst part of this movie, and that’s because for the most part, he’s actually trying to pull a good performance in this horrendous monstrosity. But because the script for this movie is so god awful, his somewhat decent line delivery was boring. The more terrible the actor was in this movie, the more I enjoyed seeing them on screen.

 

The rating I’m going to give this movie is not an indicator of how much I enjoyed watching this schlock. Even though there are a lot of boring scenes to get through, Gods of Egypt makes up for it by just how unintentionally hilarious it is. This is the best comedy of 2016 so far, and I’m giving this movie a 2 out of 10.

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5 thoughts on “Review: Gods of Egypt

  1. Gosh you just saved me a trip to the movies this weekend. I had this on my list just because it had been featured in trailers 37474849 times!!!

    I didn’t expect much of it to begin with. I’m not sure why directors and writers keep trying to make another 300.

    Liked by 1 person

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